Sometimes being 'mixed' ain't that great...

I am a girl who has mixed parentage, that is Chinese and Malay.
I have a Malay name but a Chinese face. Sometimes I hate it because people always look at you in a strange way, as if I don't belong there. They wonder what language to talk to me and how to greet me. Sometimes I feel I lose friends because I can't communicate with people efficiently.

Sometimes I feel I'm more Malay than Chinese. I know Malay culture more than Chinese, and I am quite fluent in Malay. I can't speak a proper sentence in Mandarin or any other dialect. My family is closer to our Malay relatives and we meet them quite frequent. I rarely meet relatives from my Chinese side and I am only close to a few of them via the internet.

At other times I feel I am more Chinese than Malay. As I have said before, I have a Chinese face. Usually during my first time at a new place, the Chinese will usually greet me first. Besides, I have the mentality of a Chinese. Yes I admit, I ABSOLUTELY DETEST MALAY MENTALITY. They do not want to work hard for anything. They always assume Chinese (or any other race) are smart when they lose behind. They always try to find the easy way out. They only have one plan in life, never thinking of back-up plans in case they fail. They are too materialistic and keep forgetting about their family.

BUT what I am saying here does not apply to all Malays, but those who are caught up with the past and not wanting to receive any new opinion from anyone around them. I am saying this from past experience because I used to stay in a room with a Malay with this exact type of idiotic mentality.

When she doesn't get good results, she would ask me or my Chinese roommate how we scored. Out of all the stupid questions she gotta ask the stupidest of the lot. Good things do not come without hard effort. She says she's tried hard but what does she do? Sms-ing her boyfriend, daydreaming about getting married with him and almost wanting to kill herself when he broke up with her? I bet she never thought about her family. How they worked hard for her to live a better life than theirs. How much sweat her brother sacrificed to give her that expensive handphone (during the time her dad was admitted to the hospital). Have she ever thought how she could repay the good deeds of her family? I know I love my family a lot and whatever I do to repay their kindness won't be enough. But I'm glad I do not have to see her now.

Anyway, back to being mixed. I have a feeling that I am ostracized by the society, but bravo to my loyal friends who still befriended me regardless of my race, religion and outward appearance.
I know a lot of people who only got close to me because I was 'smart' and I could be of benefit to them.

About the strange glares of people, I've gotten over them. Now I laugh and joke about it. During exams: PMR, SPM, my exams in Matrix and MUET, examiners always do a double take at my table. The check and recheck my IC while looking at my face. Makes you wonder if they had ever encountered a mixed child before, eventhough our society is well known for being multiracial and mixed marriage is not uncommon anymore.

Ugh, sometimes I hate being mixed. Sometimes I love it because its unique. But I wonder how will I cope it in the future? Now I am still under my parents supervision, but later when I step out into to cruel harsh world, I wonder if there really is a place for me out there?